catastrophe

i weighed myself at the orthodontist last week
as though the numbers disappeared from between my ears
in the shower i used more shampoo than you've ever let me
thinking about a passage i read on the train
the chronology of yuknavitch and what she believed
'in water, like in books—you can leave your life'
rinse and repeat, prepare for the dive
in a swift uplifting rush, a feeling sown deep
screaming 'I AM NOT HERE AND I DO NOT SLEEP'

i slip through the cracks into the darkest hole in the wall
relieving myself of feelings and more importantly, the gall